Banga de Lodo Pandayan

Felt Experience of God’s Love

Saint Matthew 12:38-42

Brothers and sisters, today I would like to share about…love. God’s love.

Robert Wicks, author of the book, “Touching the Holy” and a number of other books on the integration of psychology and spirituality, says that while all major religions and faiths rightly expect people to help others in need, paradoxically, the real, and mysterious challenge of the spiritual life is not primarily to give love, but to receive it. For when our hearts are alive with love, we can spontaneously love expecting nothing in return. Pope John XXIII said many years ago, “Whoever has a heart full of love always has something to share.” In the words of our Novice Master, Father Ramon Bautista, “A heart that is full of love cannot do but love. Ang puso na puno ng pagmamahal, aapaw yan. Hayaan lang na punuin ito ng ating Diyos ng Kanyang pagmamahal hanggang sa umapaw ito para sa iba.”

God’s love. God’s unconditional and unfailing love. We heard about it so many times already. Perhaps, some of us gave talks about it perhaps several times also. But the truth is, it easier known than felt, easier said than done.

In one of my most desolate moments, a good friend shared to me this prayer of Henri Nouwen, another great author on spirituality. That prayer saved me during that trying time. “Lord, so often, I say to myself, “The Lord loves me,” but very often this truth does not enter into the center of my heart. The fact that I so easily get upset because of a disappointment, so easily angered because of a slight criticism, and so easily depressed because of a slight rejection, shows that Your love does not yet fill me. Why, otherwise, would I be so easily thrown-off balance? What can people do to me, when I really know that You love me, care for me, protect me, defend me, guide me and support me? What does a small or even a great failure mean when I know that You are with me in all sorrows and turmoil? Yet time and again, I have to confess that I have not let Your love descend fully from my mind into my heart, and that I have not let my knowing grow into a real, full knowledge that pervades all of my being.”

Brothers and sisters, the reason why, many times, we fail to feel God’s unconditional and unfailing love is because we rest our sense of self on something less than God’s love for us. Many times we unconsciously allow our self-worth to be dependent on the things we do: on success, achievements, excellence, good self-image and approval of others, slowly forgetting that the Lord loves us no matter what. That is why we can easily get desolate, frustrated, vulnerable, insecure, defensive, disturbed, shaken, and thrown off balance even. We must admit that we have not let God’s love for me be fully interiorized in our whole being and let go of all resistances which hinder us from fully experiencing it.

Brothers and sisters, in our Gospel today, we heard the scribes and the Pharisees asking for a sign from Jesus. The Pharisees and scribes have been spying on Jesus and they have already witnessed a lot of signs: Jesus curing the sick, multiplying the loaves and fish, among many others. And yet they were still asking for signs. What signs did they want to see? For them, no sign is enough because they have not allowed God’s love to fully descend into their whole beings. Their hearts were full of other things which hinder them from fully experiencing the love of God.

Brothers and sisters, it is not easy to feel the love of God because we can not accept the reality that there is a God who loves unconditionally. We project our own human imperfect idea of love to God’s love and hold on to worldly things and values. And so we live our lives desperately trying to earn and win the love of God. But the reality is God loves us no matter what and no amount of success or sin can change that. God’s love does not falter no matter how much we do.

Brothers and sisters, what were those times that you felt deeply loved by God? As of this moment, do you really really really feel that God really really really loves you? Did you let that love descend from your minds into the deepest recesses of your hearts? What are the things in your lives that hinder you from experiencing the love of God? Or are you still waiting for signs for God?

Whenever I go back to those events that lead me to this vocation that I have responded, I am always reminded that I am here because at one point of my life, I felt that Love profoundly and mysteriously. Yet, sometimes, it is very easy to be forgetful when my heart begins to be filled with other things other than the love of God.

Let us continue to beg for the grace to feel that we are loved by God and let go of all resistances that hinders us from experiencing the love of God so that our hearts would overflow and we could freely love others.

I guess, no one really gets tired of listening about God’s love. I would like to end this sharing by inviting you to close your eyes for few seconds and just allow that Love of God to sink deeper and deeper into hearts.

Amen.

Roseller L. Atilano, Jr. SJ

Lord, not him. Not him please. This is the prayer I heard myself uttering during the Friday noon Mass at LST chapel when the presider mentioned the name Fr. Tom in the prayer for the dead. My mind tried to search for other Fr. Toms that I know but could not find one except for the serene face of my spiritual director. Lord, not him. Not him please.

After the mass, I went straight to the main bulletin board of Loyola House hoping to see another name. But right there I saw his name. Fr. Tom Green, SJ +RIP. I felt like I lost one of my very close friends.

I went to his room at the San Jose Seminary and saw some seminarians talking to each other near the doorway. I noticed that they have already moved the rocking chair out of his room. This is the chair I use in every spiritual direction session with him. Hesitantly, I entered his room and found his body wrapped in blanket and laid on his bed.

I stood there in utter disbelief. The week before that, I was able to visit him at the hospital. He said he was doing great. A month before that, I visited him in his room for my regular spiritual direction.

I remembered clearly the details of my last spiritual direction with Fr. Tom. At that time, I was experiencing some difficulties in the community and having hard time meeting the demands of the Juniorate program. I was in desolation. My self-esteem was low. I was beginning to challenge once again my Jesuit vocation. I told Fr. Tom that lately I have been thinking that perhaps I am not really meant for the Jesuits. I felt that the Jesuits are too sophisticated for me. I told him that I am very probinsiyano and ordinary. I know that I want to become a priest. This is what I desire for the rest of my life. But at that time, I felt that perhaps I should re-discern whether this is the company that is meant for me.

His reply was very consoling. He asked me to name some Jesuits who, I think, are like me in some ways. Surprisingly, I was able to mention several names. He said that, like me, he is also a probinsiyano. There were also times that he felt like he was of different frequency with some Jesuits. But he found his place in the Society. Then he told me that I will also find my place in the Society. There is a place for me.

He would usually end our session by scheduling our next meeting. But at that time he did not. He would be going to the hospital the following week. He explained to me about his weak heart. Of course, I never thought that it was our last SD session.

I played the guitar during his funeral procession at the Sacred Heart Novitiate. In that way I could thank him for being my spiritual director for the past year. As we laid him to his final resting place, I could not hold back my tears. I looked around and saw that were many people who were also grieving. Most of them were his directees, like me. Fr. Tom has brought us, his directees, closer to Jesus.

He died a true priest. To be a priest is to bring people closer to Jesus. I wish I could be like him and die a true priest. I wish I could also bring many people closer to Jesus.

I will miss him. Thank you Fr. Tom.

Ro Atilano, SJ

1*Tired of weaving dreams too loose for me to wear.

2Maghahating-gabi na. Pero buhay na buhay pa rin ang buong opisina. Halos Maglalabing-anim na oras na akong nagtatrabaho sa harap ng aking computer. Pumipikit na ako sa sobrang pagod at antok. Pero halos hindi pa rin matapus-tapos ang auditing jobs ko. Kailangan kong tapusin ang mga ito ngayong linggo, kung ayaw kong masigawan na naman ng aking boss na walang pakialam kundi maipasa ko lang ang mga reports sa takdang oras. Lecheng buhay na ito.

3Tired of watching clouds repeat their dance on air.

4Ilang buwan na rin akong ganito. Bumabagsak na ang aking pangangatawan at maluwag na ang mga pantalon ko. Lumalaki na rin ang mga nangingitim kong eyebags. Bakit ko nga ba kailangan hayaang mangyari ito sa akin? Bakit ko kailangang magtrabaho nang ganito? Daig ko pa ang isang taong de-pamilya.

5Tired of getting tied to doing what’s required.

6Linggo bukas pero kailangan kong pumasok. Sa gabi na ako magsisimba. Gusto ko sanang maglinis ng aking kwarto.Punung-puno na ito ng nakakalat na damit, libro, papeles, at iba pang gamit; halos hindi na makita ang sahig. Hindi na rin ako nakapunta sa aking barbero nang ilang linggo. Ilang beses ko na ring tinanggihan ang kaibigan kong si Ronald sa tuwing nagyayaya siyang manood na sine. Nang naging buhay ko na ang aking trabaho, pakiramdam ko nawalan na rin ako ng buhay.

7Is life a mere routine in the greater scheme of things?

8Kaninang lunch break, nag-usap muli kami ng isang matalik na kaibigan sa opisina. Halos pareho ang mga hinaing namin ni Remar. Pagkatapos naming ibuhos sa isa’t – isa ang aming pagkayamot sa trabaho, naitanong namin kung ano talaga ang gusto namin sa buhay? Ano ba ang tunay na makakapagpaligaya sa isang tao?

9Through with going through, one more day what’s new?

10Hilig talaga ni Remar ang kamera. Malaki ang sahod namin sa kumpanyang ito kaya nakabili siya ng isang de-kalidad at mamahaling single-lens-reflex camera. Photographer. Ito ang pangarap niya bata pa man siya. Noong bata ako pangarap kong maging guro. Sa tuwing naglalaro kami ng mga kaibigan ko, palagi ako ang kanilang guro. Pero pareho kamig CPA ni Remar. Mabilis kasing umasenso sa propesyong ito. Mabilis ang dating ng pera.

11Does my life still mean a thing in the greater scheme of things?

12Alas dos na ng madaling-araw. Kailangan kong makatulog kahit limang oras para maibalik ko ang aking lakas. Pinatay ko na ang computer at iniligpit ang mga gamit. Tumayo ako at uminat. Pinagmasdan ko muna ang paligid. Konti na lang din pala kaming naiwan sa opisina. Nagsiuwi na rin ang iba lalo na ang mga may pamilya. Humakbang ako patungo sa elevator at hinintay bumukas ang pintuan nito. Lagi na lang ba ako ganito araw-araw? Bumukas ang pintuan at dahan-dahan akong pumasok. Sa loob ng pababang elevator, niluwagan ko ang aking kurbata at inalis ang pagkakabutones ng aking polo. Naisip ko lang, paano kaya kung hindi bumukas ang pintuan at naiwan ako sa loob? Paano kung bumagsak ang elevator na ito? Bale-wala ang lahat ng pinaghirapan ko.

13I think I’ll follow the voice that calls within.

14Bumukas ang pintuan at nakita ko ang main lobby. Tahimik. Patay na rin ang mga ilaw. Binati ako ng guard na nakangiting binuksan ang main door para makalabas ako ng gusali. Tahimik na rin ang Ayala Avenue. May ilang taxi na nakahilera at naghihintay ng mga pasahero. May mga drivers na nag-uusap. Hindi ko alam ang dahilan pero dahan-dahan kong nilakad ang kahabaan ng Ayala Avenue. May ilang ilaw na nakasindi sa naglalakihan at magagarang gusali animo’y nag-uunahan sa kataasan. May nagtatrabaho pa rin sa ganitong oras.

15Dance to the silent song it sings.

16Hinayaan kong dumampi ang malamig na hangin sa aking mukha. Miss ko na ang pamilya ko sa Zamboanga. Noong nakaraang araw, nakatanggap ako ng text mula kay mama. May sakit daw si lola at malubha ito. Sana raw makauwi ako. Ako pa naman ang paboritong apo niya. Nagtampo rin ang bunso kong kapatid dahil hindi ako umuwi noong nakaaang Pasko. Hindi ko rin ginusto iyon. Sa totoo lang, ang nagdaang Pasko ang pinakamalungkot na Pasko sa buhay ko.

17I hope to find my place.

18Dumating ako sa sangandaan at tumawid nang biglang narinig ko ang malakas ng busina ng humaharurot na paparating na saksakyan. Lumingon ako. Dalawang maliwanag na ilaw. Katapusan ko na. Hindi na ako makagalaw. Gusto kong sumigaw pero walang boses na lumabas sa aking bibig. Wala na akong magawa. Wala nang oras. Hindi na ako gumalaw sa kinatatayuan ko. Pumikit ako.

19So my life will fall in place.

20Pagdilat ko, nakita ko ang papalayong sasakyan. Nanginginig ang mga tuhod ko. Ang buong pagkatao ko. Halos nawalan ng lakas ang buong katawan. Biglaan ang pagkaiwas ng saksakyan sa akin. Naramdaman ko ang mainit na luhang dumadaloy sa pisngi ko. Buhay pa ako.

21I know in time I’ll find my place.

22Umupo ako sa sidewalk ng Ayala Avenue. Hindi na muna ako papasok bukas. Magsisimba ako sa umaga pagkatapos maglinis ng kwarto. Sa hapon, yayayain ko si Ronald manood ng sine. Sa gabi, tatawagan ko si mama. Tatawagan ko rin Si Mam Peña, head ng accountancy department ng Ateneo de Zamboanga. Magbabakasali ako baka kailangan nila ng bagong guro.

23In the greater scheme of things.

*(Pilgrim’s Theme ni Johnny Go,SJ)

Roseller Atilano, SJ

Halimuyak ng kumukulong pulang asukal ang gumising sa akin, hindi pa man sumisikat ang araw. Para ito sa nilulutong biko ni Inay. Inihahanda lamang niya ito tuwing Pasko o tuwing may kaarawan sa amin. Espesyal talaga ang biko ni Inay dahil gustung-gusto ito ng aming mga kamag-anak at kapitbahay.

Pinilit ko pa ring makapaligo ng alas singko y medya ng madaling araw kahit nanginginig ang aking buong katawan sa sobrang lamig ng tubig-poso. Naririnig ko na ang pagtilaok ng mga tandang ni Mang Romy kasabay ng pagtahol ng aso mula sa kalayuan. Nagsimula ni ring magsabog ng liwanag ang araw kaya dali-dali na akong umakyat sa bahay pagkatapos ang huling buhos ng tubig mula sa timba. Puno nang pananabik kong isinuot ang amoy-bago pang polo na bigay ni Ninong Mariano noong ikasampung kaarawan ko nakaraang Hunyo-a-tres. Espesyal kasi ang araw na ito.

Buong pagmamalaki kong inayos ang mga rosas na papel. May pula, may dilaw at may puti na pinakapaborito ko. Sabi ni Ma’am Ramos, ang puti ay simbolo ng kalinisan, kabutihan at kapayapaan. Si Ma’am din ang nagturo sa amin noong nakaraang linggo kung paano gawin ang mga rosas na ito na mula sa papel na hapon. Pataas nang pataas daw kasi ang presyo ng sariwang bulaklak taun-taon. Mukhang sumasang-ayon naman si Inay dito dahil tuwang-tuwa rin siya sa mga ginawa kong rosas. Biro pa nga ni Inay, kung mas maaga akong naturuan ni Ma’am, sana nakagawa ako ng marami at nakapagtinda nito.

Pagkatapos mag-almusal at maihanda ang mga dadalhin, tumungo na kami sa sementeryo. Akay-akay ako ni Inay at tangan-tangan ko naman ang mga rosas na papel sa aking kanang kamay nang buong ingat. Kahit sobrang lawak ang sementeryo, siksikan pa rin ang mga tao. Animo’y may malaking kapistahan. Pakiwari ko’y sumasabay kami sa prusisyon ng nagdadagsaang tao papasok sa sementeryo. Tuwang-tuwa ako sa aking mga nakikita lalung-lalo na ang iba’t ibang paninda. May mga laruan, tulad ng robot at trak, at mga pagkain, tulad ng mga hat-keyk at donat. Iba’t ibang tugtog din ang aking naririnig. Marami kasi ang nagdala nang kani-kanilang radyo at malalaking speaker. Sadyang masaya ang araw na ito para sa lahat.

Lumiko kami sa kanan at lumantad sa amin ang nagagandahang nitso. Nakita ko ang kaklase kong si Andrew sa loob ng isang magara at kongkretong bahay na halos sinlaki na ng bahay-kubo namin. Stroke raw ang ikinamatay ng lolo niya. Nang naisip ko na marahil tumitira sila doon paminsan-minsan, bigla akong nakaramdam ng takot.

Makikinis ang balat ng mga batang masayang naglalaro sa loob ng mga bahay na iyon. Ang iba ay nagsisindi ng mga makukulay at naglalakihang kandila. Hindi pa ako nakakita nang ganoon karaming hugis ng mga kandila. Naamoy ko rin ang naghalo-halong halimuyak ng iba’t ibang bulaklak na doon ko rin lamang nakita. Nagagandahan ang mga kulay at uri nito. Yumuko ako at pinagmasdan ang mga gawa kong bulaklak.

Dumating kami sa isang mataas na pader ng patong-patong at dikit-dikit na nitso na animo’y isang dambuhalang bahay ng mga kalapati. Pinagmasdan ko ang mga pangalang nakasulat doon. Ang iba ay punung-puno ng mga mumurahing kandila at ligaw na bulaklak. May mga iba naman na tila wala nang nakaalala.

Tandang-tanda ko na ang lugar na ito. Anim na taon pa lamang ako noong namatay si Itay sa isang aksidente. Simula noon, pumupunta kami dito ni Inay tuwing araw ng mga patay. Naaalala ko ang sinabi ni Ma’am Ramos habang tinuturuan niya kaming gumawa ng rosas na papel. Ang lahat daw ng namamatay, mahirap man o mayaman, ay nagiging pagkain ng mga uod. Ganoon din kaya ang nangyayari kay Itay sa loob ng nitso? Ganoon din kaya sa lolo ni Andrew?

Nilinis ni Inay at pinunasan ng basahan ang lapida ni Itay. Pagkatapos ay nagsindi ng puting kandila. Pinagmasdan ko muna nang ilang sandali ang pag-akyat ng usok mula sa kandilang iyon. Sabi ni Ma’am lahat daw ng taong nakagawa ng mga kabutihan bago mamatay ay aakyat sa langit. Nag-antanda ako at inilagay ang rosas na papel sa tabi ng bulaklak na ligaw na binili ni Inay sa palengke kahapon. Pumikit ako nang ilang sandali upang magdasal at tumingala sa bughaw na langit.

Uuwi ako sa amin sa Disyembre.

Halos
tatlong taon na ang nakalilipas nang lumuwas ako patungong Maynila upang pumasok
sa Kapisanan ni Hesus. Dalawang taon sa Nobisyado at mag-iisang taon dito sa
Loyola House. Kaya sabik na sabik na akong makabalik sa Zamboanga City.

Sa wakas makakauwi na ako
sa amin. Pero sa tuwing sasabihin ko iyan, palaging natatanong ko ang aking
sarili, Teka saan na nga ba akong umuuwi
ngayon? Alamko na pagdating ko
sa bahay namin sa probinsiya, wala na ang sarili kong kwarto. Nag-asawa na rin
ang dalawa kong kuya at may sarili nang bahay at pamilya. Wala na rin akong natirang
gamit sa bahay kasi ibinigay ko na halos lahat ng mga ito bago ako umalis noon.
Pero ganito pa rin ang pananabik kong makauwi sa bahay namin.

Iba naman ang dating sa
akin sa tuwing maalala ko ang mga karanasan ko sa Nobisyado. At sa tuwing may
pagkakataon akong makabisita sa Sacred Heart, palaging kakaibang damdamin ang
napupukaw sa akin. Nagiging totoo talaga ang sinasabi ng mga nakatatandang Heswita.
Sacred Heart is the home of the Jesuits.

Ngayon
naman ay nakatira na ako dito sa Loyola House. Alam kong ilang taon din akong
titira dito. At alam ko ring, pagkatapos nito, ipapadala naman ako sa ibang
lugar para sa misyon.

Saan na nga ba ako umuuwi ngayon?

Sabi ng isang kaibigan ko, hindi magkatulad ang
ibig sabihin ng pag-uwi at ng pagbalik. Umuuwi lamang ang tao sa kanyang
tahanan. Bumabalik naman sa isang lugar. Kung ganon, tama kung sasabihin ko na
uuwi ako sa probinsya sa Disyembre at babalik ng Maynila pagkatapos ng dalawang
linggo. Subalit kailangan namang maging malinaw kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng
tahanan. Ano na nga ba ang tahanan ko?

Parang habang mas tumatanda ako, mas nababago ang
kahulugan ng tahanan. Lumalampas na ito sa pisikal na kahulugan. Parang hindi
lamang ito ang bahay na kinagisnan. Parang hindi lamang ito ang lugar na
pinanggalingan. Parang hindi lamang ito ang pamilyang kumupkop sa akin.
Pakiwari ko mas higit na dito ang ibig sahihin ng tahanan.

Sa aking mga mataimtim na pagdadasal at pag-iisa,
maraming beses naramdaman ko ang going
home experiences. Ito yung mga sandaling naging in-touch ako sa sarili ko, sa aking kapaligiran at higit sa lahat
sa aking Diyos. Malamang masasabi kong ito na nga ang ibig sabihin ng pag-uwi –
ang pagbabalik sa tunay na sarili, sa paligid at higit sa lahat sa Diyos. Ito
yung mga pagkakataong nararanasan ko ang pagiging ”ako.” Nasa kalooban pala ang
tahanan. Nasa kaibuturan ng puso.

Ito na marahil ang ibig sabihin ng pag-uwi. Ng
tahanan.

Indifference

The clock ticks against silence

The wick burns and the flame still

The leaves fall outside the window

And the music fades inside the room.

The clock ticks against silence

The wax melts and the candle dies

The trees bare nakedness, allowing death

And a soul breathes in and out in solitude.

The clock ticks against silence

The light flickers and the darkness overcomes

The heaven rains outside the window

And a tear falls inside the room.

The clock ticks against silence

A Light reaches out, different but everlasting

The world bares hope, allowing life

And a Desire births, now becoming my own.

ro atilano, jr.

recollection

9:30 am, feb 26, 2006

arvisu house

    While I was writing this homily, I
could hear in my head the voices of Terence Keagan and Lawrence Boadt (authors
of our Theology textbooks) reminding me of the diachronic and synchronic
methodologies in understanding biblical texts. In my reflection, I even saw the
theological face of Fr. Vic Salanga, SJ (our Theology professor) staring at me
as if waiting for an answer. I was pressured. I didn’t know how to start.
Yesterday, during the mass at the college chapel, I was contemplating on the
mystery of the Lord’s Transfiguration and at the same time almost regretting
choosing this date to give the homily, I suddenly felt like one of the three apostles
of Jesus in the Gospel.

    We
know that Peter, James and John were just ordinary men. They were fishermen who
did not belong to the skilled and the prominent people of their times. Maybe
they were unpopular or uneducated. They were even considered as sinners or even
the least in their society. But why did Jesus choose them to whom he would
reveal his Divinity or his Being God? What could Peter, James and John have
felt during that experience?

    There
are moments I question God what could He possibly make out of me – a person
broken and wounded by the past, a sinner in many ways that only God knows, a
poor and insecure man with no extraordinary skills. Sometimes, I feel so
undeserving of his blessings but it is also during those times that I feel
God’s graces pouring to me. It is also during those times when God reveals His
being God and reminds me that He is God and that I am man. It is also during
those times when I feel that He loves me despite all my brokenness and
sinfulness and that there is nothing I could do that would make Him love me
less.

    Jesus
is transfigured so that we too maybe transfigured from our sinfulness by His
unconditional love; so that as we gaze at His shining face, we come out of the
darkness with our new selves purified and whiter than snow. His transfiguration
is reminding us, prenovices, that when He chooses to call, just like how He
called Peter, James and John, nothing else matters – except for His Love.

    As
I was reading the passage, verse 8 struck me the most. SO THEY LOOKED UP AND
SAW NO ONE THERE BUT JESUS. As we continue to discern here in Arvisu the desire
of God for us, there would be times that we would experience some desolation.
It may be those times when fear and doubt begin to cloud our hearts, when God
seems distant and when no one seems to be there for us. May we be reminded just
to look up and even when we could not see anyone, we could recognize Jesus and
His Love for us.

    Peter
must have felt the same Love too.

    James
must have felt the same Love too.

    John
must have felt the same Love too.

    Lord,
grant us the grace of a deep awareness and felt experience of Your Love so that
we too would be transfigured and grant us too the grace to desire your desire
for us.

    In
the name of the Father, of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Note: This is my first shared homily given last August 6, 2005. It is about the Transfiguration of the Lord